Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
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They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
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Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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