No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
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you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
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My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
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