Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
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We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
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So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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