people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I came so hard my ears popped.
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