I am puke
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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