So many bounce houses so little time
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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