i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
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I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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