my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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