rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
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Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize