She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
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Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
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You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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