im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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