you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
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I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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