my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
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I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
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Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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