the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
where does the pee come out of this thing
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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