i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
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Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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