When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All the doctor said was why
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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