my phone needs a breathalizer
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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