you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize