i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
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I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
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That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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