Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
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she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
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I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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