I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
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I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
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I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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