Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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