Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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