We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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