walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
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My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
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even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
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Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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