my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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