just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize