I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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