Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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