Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
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You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
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Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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