I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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