I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
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Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
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Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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