my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
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I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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