The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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