I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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