Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(872): View more from Illinois

mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning

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(872): mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning http://tfl.nu/e3e8

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(703): View more from Virginia

positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier

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(703): positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier http://tfl.nu/y4xr

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(208): The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?" http://tfl.nu/toa2

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(817): View more from Texas

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

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(817): It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart. http://tfl.nu/sgc5

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(+27): View more from South Africa

She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."

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(+27): She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga." http://tfl.nu/sbmz

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(815): View more from Illinois

Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

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(815): Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster? http://tfl.nu/pms2

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(303): View more from Colorado

Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.

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(303): Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking. http://tfl.nu/0bij

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico

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(201): Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico http://tfl.nu/pgpo

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(519): View more from Ontario

All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.

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(519): All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am. http://tfl.nu/roar

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.

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(580): The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference. http://tfl.nu/nnsg

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(720): View more from Colorado

I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.

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(720): I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation. http://tfl.nu/ssju

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(970): View more from Colorado

She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.

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(970): She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic. http://tfl.nu/fis2

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(937): View more from Ohio

I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.

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(937): I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies. http://tfl.nu/8j70

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(410): View more from Maryland

Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.

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(410): Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win. http://tfl.nu/bzly

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(714): View more from California

I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina

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(714): I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina http://tfl.nu/xr6a

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