I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize