I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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