She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
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I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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