sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
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She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
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I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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