Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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