I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
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we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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