Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
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Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
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I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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