Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
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Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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