I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
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I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
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corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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