im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
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His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
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You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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