burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
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Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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