i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize