Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
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He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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