it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize